Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Three. The rest are true stories.
It used to be said that the best thing that could happen to an attorney in a one-lawyer village is for another lawyer to move into town. Presumably, these two could then proceed to find clients that could be induced to sue each other, leading to a long happy but incestuous career.
We live in modern times, so having a second lawyer in town is no longer necessary. All it takes is a computer, some creativity, a little old-fashioned greed, a litigious client and a DSL line. Which brings us to today’s amusement, a little paper insert in my recent monthly billing from my DSL provider.
You are included in a Class Action Settlement Involving Your DSL Service
Of course, the minute you see that sort of notice, a variety of feelings rush through your head. There is the greed aspect, the possibility of fabulous riches. There is the experience aspect, which leads you to remember that the fabulous riches will most likely accrue only to the attorneys in this case. There is the humor aspect, leading to the aforementioned joke about lawyers. There is nostalgia, fond memories of class actions that I have been “involved” with over the years. Ah, the hazy fond memories of class actions past. Who could forget:
- The Airline Ticket Price Fixing Class Action suit. This one came from Atlanta, right here in river city. This was my first class action suit, and you can never really forget your first one. After a lot of paperwork and research, all I got was a bunch of ticket vouchers. As it turned out, it was cheaper to just buy an airline ticket than try to claim one of those cheesy vouchers, but I’m sure that the lawyers made money on the deal.
- The Computer Monitor Size Class Action suit. Size is such a male thing.
- The Apple Helpline Class Action suit. Actually, when trying to find this little suit by using Google, the search terms turned up dozens of different class action suits against Apple. Flies are drawn to honey…..
But enough about nostalgia, we don’t have time to enumerate all of the class action suits in our great Republic. Let’s get back to the facts of the DSL Class Action suit. There’s even a website that includes a Spanish language version, just to make sure that all damaged customers can enjoy the fruits of the suit.
There’s a ritual, kabuki-like feeling to these things. Names have been deleted to protect the guilty. First, the offense:
****** DSL customers have sued alleging that ****** breached its contracts with and defrauded some of its customers by limiting the maximum data speed that some of its customers could obtain at a rate below the maximum rate for the plan the customer purchased. The lawsuit also alleges that ****** breached its contracts with and defrauded some of its customers by delivering speeds lower than the minimum promised under the customer’s plan, or otherwise disappointed its customers expectations regarding the speed of the DSL service.
Shocking, shocking. Something must be done! But wait, I’m innocent!:
***** strongly denies the allegations, but has agreed to settle to avoid the burden and cost of further litigation.
And, the pitch:
You are a Settlement Class Member if you purchased DSL service from ***** in the U.S. after March 31, 1994.
But first, some paperwork. Which, of course, is the kicker. The website has the full details of this vital case, but your eye is naturally drawn to a little notice on the paper insert:
However, *****’s records do not show that your DSL Service was affected. Regardless, if you believe that your DSL Service has not performed at satisfactory speeds, you may submit a Claim Form, and you may be entitled to a one time payment of…….
Wait, here it comes:
$2.00
So, there you have it. For the time necessary to complete an online Class Action form, your time is worth $2.00. I suppose that I could rail on about this for a while longer, but why? These days, everybody is outraged and offended; that’s so boring. Let us consider history, a long lost practice.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
[Life of Reason, George Santayana]
Just take a look at the electric powered streetcar. At the turn of the 1900’s, electric traction was a powerful social and economic force. An outgrowth of the horse-drawn car, and quaint by today’s standards, every town of any consequence had a car line, and was connected to other significant towns by the electric interurban. Towns like Redlands, California were created by real estate developers in conjunction with the Pacific Electric, allowing people to work in urban Los Angeles and go home to a house in the orange groves.
The traction companies were a powerful force in that era. And, like our modern corporations, the traction companies had their share of financial failure and scandal, including a company official found guilty in the public press but later found innocent in a court of law. Consider Sam Insull. The electric traction companies had plenty of money and thus became a target of interest by those who wanted more money.
Consider the words of the late Frank Rowsome, in his wonderful, witty book, Trolley Car Treasury [McGraw-Hill Bonanza Books, 1956]. This delightful book details an era of electric powered streetcars and interurbans of the late 19th Century.
On New York’s Lower East Side some accidents developed into stylized rituals, like the mating of trumpeter swans. A trolley would be moving along congested and turbulent Delancey Street when a pushcart would somehow carom off its side or rear, dumping its contents on the street. Instantly loud caterwauls would arise and hundreds of people gather to curse the rich and callous traction company. In court later so many witnesses for the plaintiff would appear, all voluble and eager to testify about the trolley’s reckless speed, that company lawyers found it virtually impossible to win such suits. To cut losses, it became the practice to settle such claims by equally stylized ritual; a reasonable number of pushcart accidents a month, properly executed and with witnesses marshaled, would be routinely settled in advance for a flat fee of twenty-five dollars.
Who says you can’t learn something from history?